Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Around here, we are slowly healing after the boy's father was killed in July.  My boy is totally amazing me with how well he has handled this tragedy. 

In response to this summer's events, I wrote this:

I believe in helium balloons. Not as in, I think you don’t believe they exist, but I believe they hold power. Consider a child the first time they see a balloon floating above them. Their eyes light up, they reach for this colorful floating ball…it’s like magic. Helium balloons are a universal sign of parties and fun times.
However, for me, they are a sign of letting go. Remember that kiddo with his or her first balloon? What usually happens? That’s right, they let go and it’s gone forever. Tears follow, promises of a new balloon…whatever it takes at the time. But what if we looked at the floating balloon as a letting go of the negative in our lives? Letting go of sadness, anger, resentment, poor self esteem, doubts and anything else we are dragging along with us. Maybe by finally letting loose our tightly held fist and allowing our balloons of negativity to float away we will finally find ourselves free?

Yesterday, my Sisterchicks and I released red balloons into the sky to honor a very special little boy. We sent our messages of love and longing up to Daniel in heaven. We also, little by little, every year, release some of our sadness at his passing, our anger at missing out on moments with him, our regrets of things left unsaid or undone. Each year, these balloons free us a little more.

Next year, on July 2nd, I will release a balloon into the air to honor another life gone too soon. In that balloon, I’m going to send off my bitterness, my regrets, my over whelming grief, my feelings of helplessness. I’m going to send forgiveness up to this person. I’m going to share what has changed in his son’s life in this year that he’s been gone. I’m going to finally let go.

I hope it doesn’t take me until next July to be able to emotionally let go of these feelings, but I also know it might. I do know, that every time I see a balloon floating by, I’m going to think of one bad thing that I can let go of, right then and there.

So, I believe in the power of helium balloons. Their wonder, their magic and their freedom in letting go.

I think I'm finally letting go....I miss my ex, my son misses him, but we are moving on and healing.  That's the best we can hope for, I think.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

My child amazes me.  At what age do we lose that resiliency that allows them to just go on?  Watching him at football practice tonight it just overwhelmed me to see him excelling.  I think if I were in his position, I'd be in the fetal position in a dark closet.  Yet, there he is, kicking ass and taking names. 
Would his father have been at practice if he were still here?  Nope.  Probably not.  To my boy though, he was there tonight.  I also see him connecting with his coaches and getting that male attention that he so badly needs.  The attention he's ALWAYS needed. 
I just adore him and I hope this makes him a stronger, more focused, more resilient adult.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


I never would have saw this coming.  Then again, one never does.

July 2, about 11pm, I was notified that my ex husband was killed in a training accident.  His wife called me to tell me.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  How the fuck did this happen?

I stayed awake that entire night, tried to figure out how to tell my beautiful boy that his father was gone.  I also tried to figure out my own feelings.  We'd been divorced almost ten years.  Far longer than we'd been married!  We'd not gotten along very well for about 9 of those ten years.  It's only been in the past year that we had been able to build any sort of relationship/friendship.  We were both remarried.  Me, to a woman! I sometimes think that my coming out allowed us to forge a friendship again.   For one, we both realized our marriage was NEVER salvageable - he had the wrong parts.  Two, his current wife had no concerns I'd ever want him back (not that I would have before but you know) and Third, he and my wife got along pretty darned well.

It's only been the past year that he finally stepped up to at least ATTEMPT to be a father.  For so many years he'd cancel visits, bring him home early, make promises and "forget" etc etc etc.

I can't even summarize all the myriad of feelings that were going through me.  Sadness, of course.  But for what?  For my son but also for this 34 year old man that was vital, and funny and a huge part of my history.  Over 20 years of my history.

We met over Ted Drewes and Funnel cakes.  Bonded and became friends through Jobie dances.  He took me to my Jr Homecoming because I didn't have a date and his best friend was dating my best friend.  He surprised me on my 18th birthday and showed up.  We were that kind of friends.  Then, he joined the Marines.  Came home on uniform.  We were married nine months later.  Moved to Cali.  Had a baby.  Came home and divorced not long after.  When you look at our marriage, it was such a short period of time.  We were friends for 8 years before we married.  Married for 4, divorced for 10.  No one else in my life remembers the moment my son was born.  No one else watched our puppy chase the sprinklers on base.  How often I had to pee between CA and MO at eight months pregnant.  So many memories that are now solely mine.

I honestly have NO idea how to feel.  I don't want to burden my wife with grief for a man that she only knows as the one that disappointed our son regularly.  I would never want her to think that my grief for him would take anything away from the amazing love I have with her.  My relationship with my ex wouldn't even register in comparison to what we share.  My friends know the history and don't get it - why am I so sad?  My parents hated him.  He deserved quite a bit of their acrimony.  He was an asshole a lot.  So, who do you go to?  Who do *I* go to?  How do I figure this shit out and get through?  Not a freaking clue.

I guess here.   

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Oh my is the weekend really half over?

I have to brag on the boy today.  He ran his second 5K ever today and came in 57th out of 255 people - MOSTLY adults that are either cops or firemen!  I am so proud.  His father even came and ran with him.  It's been nice to actually get along with my ex and to see him TRYING for the boy.  Makes a huge difference.

We've been working on lots of home projects lately.  Pictures will be up soon.  Creating a kitchen island right now then will be redoing all the cabinets in the same color.  My redneck girl is building herself a HUGE ASS smoker.  We'll be able to cook a whole damned pig. 

Damn, we are rednecks, aren't we?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I promise I am alive

As are my lovely Redneck Girl and both children...although, I did have my doubts about the shortest one today.  Lucky for her, no bands of gypsies wandered by. 

Things are really great here at Casa de Lesbo (as my SIL has coined our home).  I am in the midst of midterms for one school and on break for another.  My Redneck girl is on her way to a full time job, hopefully in July, in her chosen field.  She graduates this month with her Associates degree and is on track to finish her BA in about a year. 

She has started selling Pampered Chef.  I have started selling Pure Romance.  Business is BOOMING and we are both really enjoying it.

Ok more later, I have thoughts brewing but am far too exhausted tonight to attempt any form of deep thoughts.