Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Wow.

I never would have saw this coming.  Then again, one never does.

July 2, about 11pm, I was notified that my ex husband was killed in a training accident.  His wife called me to tell me.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  How the fuck did this happen?

I stayed awake that entire night, tried to figure out how to tell my beautiful boy that his father was gone.  I also tried to figure out my own feelings.  We'd been divorced almost ten years.  Far longer than we'd been married!  We'd not gotten along very well for about 9 of those ten years.  It's only been in the past year that we had been able to build any sort of relationship/friendship.  We were both remarried.  Me, to a woman! I sometimes think that my coming out allowed us to forge a friendship again.   For one, we both realized our marriage was NEVER salvageable - he had the wrong parts.  Two, his current wife had no concerns I'd ever want him back (not that I would have before but you know) and Third, he and my wife got along pretty darned well.

It's only been the past year that he finally stepped up to at least ATTEMPT to be a father.  For so many years he'd cancel visits, bring him home early, make promises and "forget" etc etc etc.

I can't even summarize all the myriad of feelings that were going through me.  Sadness, of course.  But for what?  For my son but also for this 34 year old man that was vital, and funny and a huge part of my history.  Over 20 years of my history.

We met over Ted Drewes and Funnel cakes.  Bonded and became friends through Jobie dances.  He took me to my Jr Homecoming because I didn't have a date and his best friend was dating my best friend.  He surprised me on my 18th birthday and showed up.  We were that kind of friends.  Then, he joined the Marines.  Came home on leave....in uniform.  We were married nine months later.  Moved to Cali.  Had a baby.  Came home and divorced not long after.  When you look at our marriage, it was such a short period of time.  We were friends for 8 years before we married.  Married for 4, divorced for 10.  No one else in my life remembers the moment my son was born.  No one else watched our puppy chase the sprinklers on base.  How often I had to pee between CA and MO at eight months pregnant.  So many memories that are now solely mine.

I honestly have NO idea how to feel.  I don't want to burden my wife with grief for a man that she only knows as the one that disappointed our son regularly.  I would never want her to think that my grief for him would take anything away from the amazing love I have with her.  My relationship with my ex wouldn't even register in comparison to what we share.  My friends know the history and don't get it - why am I so sad?  My parents hated him.  He deserved quite a bit of their acrimony.  He was an asshole a lot.  So, who do you go to?  Who do *I* go to?  How do I figure this shit out and get through?  Not a freaking clue.

I guess here.   

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