My smiling puppy.

My child amazes me.  At what age do we lose that resiliency that allows them to just go on?  Watching him at football practice tonight it just overwhelmed me to see him excelling.  I think if I were in his position, I'd be in the fetal position in a dark closet.  Yet, there he is, kicking ass and taking names. 
Would his father have been at practice if he were still here?  Nope.  Probably not.  To my boy though, he was there tonight.  I also see him connecting with his coaches and getting that male attention that he so badly needs.  The attention he's ALWAYS needed. 
I just adore him and I hope this makes him a stronger, more focused, more resilient adult.

Wow.

I never would have saw this coming.  Then again, one never does.

July 2, about 11pm, I was notified that my ex husband was killed in a training accident.  His wife called me to tell me.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  How the fuck did this happen?

I stayed awake that entire night, tried to figure out how to tell my beautiful boy that his father was gone.  I also tried to figure out my own feelings.  We'd been divorced almost ten years.  Far longer than we'd been married!  We'd not gotten along very well for about 9 of those ten years.  It's only been in the past year that we had been able to build any sort of relationship/friendship.  We were both remarried.  Me, to a woman! I sometimes think that my coming out allowed us to forge a friendship again.   For one, we both realized our marriage was NEVER salvageable - he had the wrong parts.  Two, his current wife had no concerns I'd ever want him back (not that I would have before but you know) and Third, he and my wife got along pretty darned well.

It's only been the past year that he finally stepped up to at least ATTEMPT to be a father.  For so many years he'd cancel visits, bring him home early, make promises and "forget" etc etc etc.

I can't even summarize all the myriad of feelings that were going through me.  Sadness, of course.  But for what?  For my son but also for this 34 year old man that was vital, and funny and a huge part of my history.  Over 20 years of my history.

We met over Ted Drewes and Funnel cakes.  Bonded and became friends through Jobie dances.  He took me to my Jr Homecoming because I didn't have a date and his best friend was dating my best friend.  He surprised me on my 18th birthday and showed up.  We were that kind of friends.  Then, he joined the Marines.  Came home on leave....in uniform.  We were married nine months later.  Moved to Cali.  Had a baby.  Came home and divorced not long after.  When you look at our marriage, it was such a short period of time.  We were friends for 8 years before we married.  Married for 4, divorced for 10.  No one else in my life remembers the moment my son was born.  No one else watched our puppy chase the sprinklers on base.  How often I had to pee between CA and MO at eight months pregnant.  So many memories that are now solely mine.

I honestly have NO idea how to feel.  I don't want to burden my wife with grief for a man that she only knows as the one that disappointed our son regularly.  I would never want her to think that my grief for him would take anything away from the amazing love I have with her.  My relationship with my ex wouldn't even register in comparison to what we share.  My friends know the history and don't get it - why am I so sad?  My parents hated him.  He deserved quite a bit of their acrimony.  He was an asshole a lot.  So, who do you go to?  Who do *I* go to?  How do I figure this shit out and get through?  Not a freaking clue.

I guess here.   

Oh my is the weekend really half over?

I have to brag on the boy today.  He ran his second 5K ever today and came in 57th out of 255 people - MOSTLY adults that are either cops or firemen!  I am so proud.  His father even came and ran with him.  It's been nice to actually get along with my ex and to see him TRYING for the boy.  Makes a huge difference.

We've been working on lots of home projects lately.  Pictures will be up soon.  Creating a kitchen island right now then will be redoing all the cabinets in the same color.  My redneck girl is building herself a HUGE ASS smoker.  We'll be able to cook a whole damned pig. 

Damn, we are rednecks, aren't we?

I promise I am alive

As are my lovely Redneck Girl and both children...although, I did have my doubts about the shortest one today.  Lucky for her, no bands of gypsies wandered by. 

Things are really great here at Casa de Lesbo (as my SIL has coined our home).  I am in the midst of midterms for one school and on break for another.  My Redneck girl is on her way to a full time job, hopefully in July, in her chosen field.  She graduates this month with her Associates degree and is on track to finish her BA in about a year. 

She has started selling Pampered Chef.  I have started selling Pure Romance.  Business is BOOMING and we are both really enjoying it.

Ok more later, I have thoughts brewing but am far too exhausted tonight to attempt any form of deep thoughts.

Seriously, people? Stereotype much?

I live in small, rural town.  I get that.  But we are less than an HOUR from St. Louis.  You know, the BIG city...with BLACK PEOPLE!?!?  I swear I get some students that act as if they've never seen someone of color - black, slightly browner than them...ANYTHING.  There are no religions but Christian, there are no orientations but hetero....on and on and on. 
Today topped it all tho.  I'm teaching Oral Communications.  (Ok, get the oral jokes out now....I'll wait.)
Done?  Let's proceed.  We were talking about stereotypes and how they affect communication.  To illustrate, I posted 8 pictures of random people.  Couple of old people, one black guy, middle aged white lady, hoosier preggo chick, and one major butch dyke.  (Oh yes, I went there!)  The assignment was to imagine that you are in NYC and you HAVE to catch the next subway and you can't find your money.  You must ask one of these people for $5.  I had them rank them in order of who they'd ask first and on down the line and then why. 
All was fine and dandy until one group says..."I'd ask the colored man."  Wait, WTF did you just say???  I was speechless.  Who the fuck says that?  I corrected them which then prompted someone else to ask, "So we shouldn't use Negro, either?"  That was when my head exploded.  The worst part was that there was no embarrassment at all about this.  No shame at their straight up racism!  I am by far not a politically correct person.  Hell, Lisa Lampinelli is a personal favorite of mine....but fucking COLORED??!?!?  Is it 1965 and I missed the damned time travel?
I'm feeling a bit disgusted with my surroundings at the moment.  Wait til they figure out I'm a big ole dyke. 

Grief sucks

Please visit The Deviant Dyke and give her some love.  I can't imagine what she's going through or the depths of sadness in losing her love. 

It's timely to discuss grief as September looms...or as I think of it - the month of funerals.  Every September for the past 5 years someone has died.  It started with my 10 year old cousin.  Last year it was my best friend's 4 year old son.  September is going to suck with memories, especially of Daniel.

Hug your loved ones, EVERY DAMNED DAY.  Every second if they'll let you.  Don't hesitate to share your feelings.  Live your life so that there are never any "I wish I would haves" - especially in regards to your parents, spouse and children.  Tell them EVERY DAY that you love them and how special they are.  Live and love abundantly.